Welcome back to another installment of A Stock Photo is Worth a Bunch of Words! This was supposed to be a weekly column, so my apologies for missing last week. I was much too busy #WINNING (too soon? too late? just right?). For those of you who read the last column and want to re-read it seven more times because the first seven weren’t enough, I direct you here. For those of you who were ignorant and now regret every day you have lived in the last two weeks because of said ignorance, you can catch up here. For those of you who think you don’t fall into either of the two aforementioned categories, you’re wrong because those are the only two options.

Anyway, let’s have a look see at this week’s disaster:

Illustration by David Sankey

Well, this certainly is a departure from the last time. This looks almost normal. Except…I don’t know…there’s just something bothering me about it. Something seems a little off…oh, right: WHAT THE FUCK CREATURE IS THIS!? Its body shape and the fact that it appears to be standing upright makes it seem humanoid (or monkeyanoid or gorillanoid). But, there are clearly claws on its hands. Big ones, too. And the head. I don’t even know what to make of it. It looks a little like a boar, a little like a bear, a little like a pig and a lot like Bill O’Reilly. Nah, I’m just kidding. It doesn’t really look that much like a bear.

Hmm…

Ya know, I had originally planned to write up a full, truthful, honest analysis of this picture like I did the last time. I was going to take a good, hard look at just what type of creature that thing actually is, what he’s doing in that hole, why he’s crying, etc. But, for some reason, I just couldn’t seem to put my feelings into words. I blame my high school education and inadequate vocabulary. But, anyway, I feel like this series of actual pictures that just happened to be laying around on the shelves of the internet is going to do a much better job conveying my feelings than words ever could.

Groundhog Day 2

There are several other titles in the series that I was, very unfortunately, unable to find the promo posters for:

Groundhog Day 3: The Hoggenning

Groundhog Day 4: 4 tha love of the Hog

Groundhog Day 5: Groundhog Night

Groundhog Day 6: Groundhog Knight and Day starring Tom Cruise and also Tom Cruise

City of Hog

Interesting Fact: Both “Los Angeles” and “Cannes” translate literally to: “City of the Lost Hog,” but in different dialects of Spanish.

The Hunt for Red Hogtober

Hogtoberfest is the REAL party the Germans don’t want you to know about. And also the Russians. The Russians don’t want you to know about it either. Or. The Germans don’t want the Russians to know about it. Or maybe they both know about it and the don’t want us to know about it. Yeah, that’s the one.

Apohogalypse Now

Starring Mr. #WINNING Sr., that dude from the Godfather and Larry Fishburne. (You think I’m joking on those credits and you’re only two-thirds right.)

Wild Hogs

Hey…wait a minute…

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I have NO IDEA what the caption could possibly be. Maybe something about some creature reluctantly emerging from hibernation after being physically abused all winter for being the ugliest thing ever? Yeah. OK. Let’s go with that.

On to page 2…